I heard its voice again, after two years of silence. Clear, audible, physical. "Jaydon Wake Up!" in a tone halfway a whisper, halfway a growl, and my entire body jolted. "I'm not going" I said out loud, even as I found myself alone in my bedroom, halfway through the pronouncement I couldn't figure out why I was even saying it. It was still light outside as I rolled over in my bed. Five minutes had passed since I'd last looked.
My stomach was beginning to hurt, that horrible implosive empty feeling you get when your heart has been broken. But my heart wasn't broken. I could feel the crackle in the air as my energy was drained from me, quickly, efficiently, completely.
My heart was racing, and I knew I needed to get up. My subconscious was beginning to disallow sleep again. Anxiety attacks when I lay down; and him… it… whatever 'it' was, every time I would begin to fall sleep. I would hear it, or see it, or feel it so realistically, consciously. Sometimes it took form, putrid and appalling, blasphemous and unknowable scaring me awake. Sometimes it would be behind me, whispering and manipulating me by a silver cord pulling me from sleep. But most of the time it was inside of me screaming from within and trying to claw its way out violently and painfully.
And amidst the shame and fear, and despite the pain I regarded it as an old friend; with perfect love, perfect trust. To embrace is to write again, to be creative, despite the debilitating side-effects . The hatred, and anger, pain, wrapped around a fucked-up sense of beauty, and every part of me that I hate and have suppressed for two years consuming me… the me that I'd been craving for so long. Loneliness, despite the love that I will pick apart into nothing. I will be me again. I should be laughing. I should be happy. This is all I've wanted for so many months. I'm finally free.
Instead I cried for the first time in three years.
It's a rough start but I'm returning… sadly there's three years of my life that I can't even talk about… and nobody should expect me to…. but announcements are coming…. there are exciting things ahead… I'm terrified but hopeful… vulnerable but alive for the first time in years…. things have been put back on my schedule…. five years late but it's coming within the next year…. sadly there's no longer many people left that would understand what I'm talking about…..
Your birthday present is late, but I know you'll understand