It wasn't in your words- twisting around me in the smoke of sandalwood- whispering softly as I inhaled your sweet breath. Nor in your glass eyes staring through the ghost of me, smoldering in the dancing reflection of candlelight, and wavering beneath the pain of razorblade lullabies and candied ginger lies. Maybe it was in a lost dream that I've spent all these years in deja vu trying desperately to pull the memory back into my consciousness. Or maybe it was just in another fabricated memory I constructed to hold onto when it gets too dark to see.
I've known you forever.
We were lost among the ruins of what I thought was right and wrong. Empty as a grave and falling further and further away from where we had belonged. We were the children despised by reason, searching for any form of a heart to follow; and losing ourselves along the way while the world just kept getting larger in every passing mile. I was always the quiet one, trying to find my way all on my own, and refusing your hand to help pick me up every time I fell down. You were always lost in awe at every intricate wonder of nature that fell upon your doorstep, whispering your adorations to heaven and listening attentively as heaven's blessings rained down.
Was I born from you? Or were you born out of all of this?
Seeping through the memories I can barely make out your smile. The silence that permeated the hall was broken occasionally by the chimes of the grandfather clock. Or did I add the silences to my memory when I had forgotten what our laughter sounded like? I still pretend that it was all so real, the games we played, the way you'd hold my hand when I would have another panic attack; the fearlessness in your eyes even as you took your final breath
And I wish that I could still say that this was all I've ever wanted.
Whisper something beautiful because I've run all out of reasons to believe that God is Love and that He doesn't regret His decision to make us free. Draw me in your shadow again; I've always been the dark side of your light, the mystery you created, the beauty lost in your eyes. I keep telling myself that you are here; you've just become too bright in your divinity for me to see. And I know you keep telling yourself that I'm already there, waiting somewhere for you to find me.
I miss you.